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Mid-Week Oz
Aug. 23rd, 2017 11:01 amLost in the white noise of formation drivel, the following conversation appears to have occurred in Ting-A-Ling, North Korea. The scene: The Presidential Pyramid. Tiny, deranged despot Pork Dim Sum is watching videos of guard dogs disembowelling famished refugees while imbibing from platinum-iridium stirrup-cups of Chateau Lafitte. Suddenly, an aide appears:
PDS: Yes, what is it? I’m busy!
Aide: It’s the Chinese envoy, O Most High When Standing On A Table. He wants to see you.
PDS: Tell him to come tomorrow. And bring me some more lark’s tongues. These ones are stale.
Aide: Your Exalted Pre-Eminence, he wants to see you now.
PDS: Oh very well. Bring him in. And bring the rocket launch video. He’ll want to see that again.
Aide: …
PDS: What’s the matter with you? I gave you an order. Jump to it!
Aide: They’ve sent a new envoy. I think you might want to switch off the TV, Your Almightyship.
PDS: A new one? Whatever happened to Mr Sun? He liked watching rocket-launches. He couldn’t get enough of them.
Aide: He’s been recalled. In fact – oh, here he is. May I introduce Mr Ho Li Fork, O Carbuncle of the Asteroids?
HLF: Get this idiot out of here. (Aide disappears.) No, stay where you are. And turn that bloody TV off. I want to talk to you.
PDS: Hello, Mr Ho. Wouldn’t you like to see our missile launches? Your predecessor did.
HLF: No. I don’t. What the hell do you think you’re doing? Just because Raoul Tinpot’s running around with his trousers around his ankles and threatening us all with Armageddon is no reason for you to join in. What sort of blithering idiot plays nuclear chicken with a deranged lunatic?
PDS: We have to keep threatening the West. Otherwise they ignore us which is totally unfair. Don’t you want the imperialist running dogs scared of us?
HLF: What makes you think I want a smoking ruin on my borders and millions of refugees who glow in the dark? Can you not get it through your cement-head that this guy is as crazy as you are? You’re dealing with guys who think that if the world blows up there’ll be a mothership to take them all to some billionaires’ paradise where there’ll still be wall-to-wall servants and hot and cold running champagne. May I remind you that this fly-blown, festering little pimple of a country exists solely by the grace and favour of the Middle Kingdom? So pull your bloody head in or I’ll pull the plug on you.
PDS: Um. What do you want me to do? If I don’t have nuclear missiles I’m finished.
HLF: Don’t be wet. Of course you can have them. Just stop waving your dick at your neighbours and shut up. That’s an order.
PDS: …
HLF: All right. That’s better. Now do as you're told and we’ll let you keep doing whatever it is that you do. Just don’t do anything crazy. No, don’t get up. I’ll see myself out.
PDS: Yes, what is it? I’m busy!
Aide: It’s the Chinese envoy, O Most High When Standing On A Table. He wants to see you.
PDS: Tell him to come tomorrow. And bring me some more lark’s tongues. These ones are stale.
Aide: Your Exalted Pre-Eminence, he wants to see you now.
PDS: Oh very well. Bring him in. And bring the rocket launch video. He’ll want to see that again.
Aide: …
PDS: What’s the matter with you? I gave you an order. Jump to it!
Aide: They’ve sent a new envoy. I think you might want to switch off the TV, Your Almightyship.
PDS: A new one? Whatever happened to Mr Sun? He liked watching rocket-launches. He couldn’t get enough of them.
Aide: He’s been recalled. In fact – oh, here he is. May I introduce Mr Ho Li Fork, O Carbuncle of the Asteroids?
HLF: Get this idiot out of here. (Aide disappears.) No, stay where you are. And turn that bloody TV off. I want to talk to you.
PDS: Hello, Mr Ho. Wouldn’t you like to see our missile launches? Your predecessor did.
HLF: No. I don’t. What the hell do you think you’re doing? Just because Raoul Tinpot’s running around with his trousers around his ankles and threatening us all with Armageddon is no reason for you to join in. What sort of blithering idiot plays nuclear chicken with a deranged lunatic?
PDS: We have to keep threatening the West. Otherwise they ignore us which is totally unfair. Don’t you want the imperialist running dogs scared of us?
HLF: What makes you think I want a smoking ruin on my borders and millions of refugees who glow in the dark? Can you not get it through your cement-head that this guy is as crazy as you are? You’re dealing with guys who think that if the world blows up there’ll be a mothership to take them all to some billionaires’ paradise where there’ll still be wall-to-wall servants and hot and cold running champagne. May I remind you that this fly-blown, festering little pimple of a country exists solely by the grace and favour of the Middle Kingdom? So pull your bloody head in or I’ll pull the plug on you.
PDS: Um. What do you want me to do? If I don’t have nuclear missiles I’m finished.
HLF: Don’t be wet. Of course you can have them. Just stop waving your dick at your neighbours and shut up. That’s an order.
PDS: …
HLF: All right. That’s better. Now do as you're told and we’ll let you keep doing whatever it is that you do. Just don’t do anything crazy. No, don’t get up. I’ll see myself out.
